Universe implosion to avert election

Next weekend's council elections could be overshadowed by the end of the universe next Wednesday morning, in a move likely to work to the advantage of Greens candidates.

So far, pundits have identified two possible outcomes for the Newcastle local government elections: an increase in power of the Labor and centre-right Buman independent blocs, or a protest vote to work in the favour of the Greens and possibly the Socialist Alliance, whose star candidate Zane Alcorn could pick up votes for the left.

What few commentators have considered is the one in a million possibility that the Large Hadron Collider, a particle accelerator designed to emulate conditions at the beginning of the universe, could suck all of the universe into a tiny space and end life as we know it, thereby avoiding the need for an election at all. There is a small risk that the LHC could produce micro black holes, strangelets, and vacuum bubbles.

While there is considerable uncertainty as to what these things are, let alone what cosmological and electoral effects they may have, there is little doubt that, should the universe come to an end, the chances of outright Labor control of the council would considerably diminish.

Neither Greens candidate Michael Osborne nor Socialist Alliance candidate Zane Alcorn were available for comment at the time of publication.

However environmental advocates were said to be pleased by the news, stating that if local councils failed to make the social shifts necessary to address peak oil and climate change (such as local food production, independence from the grid, fast, frequent and free public transport and smart housing design), the implosion of the universe would avert the need to address these twin crises.